Since I last posted there have been a number of developments. First, the conundra (I'm going with this as plural for conundrum, because conundrums sounds stupid.) I introduced in the last post. The Will situation is fucked. After a week or so of not seeing one another, I bumped into him walking home from the subway one afternoon. While it was awkward as hell, I really missed him. We made arrangements to hang out.
In the ensuing weeks, I've spent time with Will almost every day, either hanging out and watching tv, or walking his adorable English bulldog. I love spending time with him. I'm getting to know him more and more, and my feelings for him continue to grow. I'm quite sure I'm in love with him.
But aside from friendly hugs, he hasn't touched me since that night. It's not even the sex I miss. I mean, I do, but I miss his gentle touch, and the way he kissed me, far more. It is so painful to want to just hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him, and not be able to. One night he came over, and I could see a hickey on his neck, one I did not give him.
Every time he doesn't respond to a text, or leaves me after hanging out, all I can think is, "He's off to have sex with someone. Someone he really wants. Someone better than me." It hurts so much, but I am so scared of losing him forever. When we had our "breakup" talk (I hesitate to use the term breakup since we were never officially a couple, but I know no other term to classify that conversation/confrontation.) I made it clear that friendship alone was not possible for me. I would always have the ulterior motive of being with him. So the fact that we spend so much time together, so much of it being at his prompting, makes me think that he still does have feelings for me that way, he just isn't ready to go there yet. So I'm giving him time, not pressuring him, letting him take his time.
I honestly don't know how long I can maintain. It's pure torture to love someone so much, to have them so close, yet so totally inaccessible. I've never met a man like him, and I genuinely fear that I never will again. It's just that this holding pattern, which is the story of my fucking life, by the way, is killing me. I'm tired of being the noble, stoic one. When the fuck do I get the guy? So my patience has its limits, and Will is fast approaching them. I'm going to have to very soon decide, do I give the ultimatum and risk losing him from my life or do I accept my spot, and never truly build the relationship I believe in my heart we both deserve?
For the big one, Auden, I need a little time...
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